I think it's time for a 'soap box' post...or a muse if you want to call it that.
Recently I have been learning some things about myself. And some of the things I have learned have been surprising to me. Like for instance, I have felt uncomfortable in situations recently that I thought I was over, and I have felt insecure (in an odd way) because of not being able to please a person's expectations. I thought I was confident in my introvertedness, and I thought I was over being a people pleaser. Apparently not. So...it's time to grow, learn, and change. I know I'm not the only one who has dealt with insecurity and a lack of confidence, so I thought I would share. Sometimes in the sharing I learn as well.
Years ago, God showed me all of the things I was putting my security in--things like people, jobs, looks, etc. He began to shake all of those areas of my life so much that I realized that none of those wonderful things were substantial foundations to put my confidence. I realized that the only sure footing was in God--in His foundation. And from there I went on a journey of getting to know who I was in Christ. In the end I found that I actually liked myself. I learned what I genuinely liked. I am secure because of Christ.
So why all of a sudden this change? Why do I see my confidence sinking a bit? Maybe I lost my footing a bit. Or maybe I need a tune-up. Or maybe these are new areas. Or maybe they have always been there and now God is shining His light upon them so we can take care of it.
I know who I am; I know what I like. I need not to compare myself with others. For example: I don't like hand-motion songs (ie patty-cake). It's not my thing. (Did I just hear someone gasp?) So when I go to story-time and everyone is doing, "Where is thumb-kin..." I want to pull the lever and sink into the floor. It's not me. I can sing and dance with Jeralyn all day, but please don't make me do hand-motion songs. But when I'm sitting in that library and most of the other moms are singing and motioning along, I feel uncomfortable. I feel so out of place. Like I don't belong. But WHY do I care? Why do I care that I'm not following everyone else? I'm not the only one not doing it, but even if I was, why should I be uncomfortable? I want to not care. I want to be ok with being me; and being me in those situations is smiling and watching everyone else enjoying themselves. I need to come to terms with this. YOU may like the silly songs. THEY may like the silly songs. I like the songs, I just don't like the hand-motions. So just because YOU and THEY like it doesn't mean I have to. See what I'm saying?
I like the color orange. YOU like the color blue. THEY like the color yellow. We are all different. I have to be me and you have to be you. They have to be they. I am not they or you... I am ME!
And about the people pleasing. I know there are people in my life that want me to be a certain someone to them. Expectations. But I cannot fulfill those expectations. And because I cannot fulfill those expectations I feel like I'm letting them down. And then the people pleaser wells up inside of me. And then I worry. And then I feel like there's this battle. I thought I was over this. I am not responsible for someone else's happiness. We all have to choose to be happy all on our own. It's a choice; no one can make you. So I have to disect this ugly people-pleasing mindset and just say NO! I'm learning. I want to be FREE to be me. When we allow others to be who they are and release them from any expectations, there is freedom...then there is this beautiful, flowing spring of unconditional love.
If we could all just be who we are and release ourselves from the ugly expectations of others, this world would be a better place! It's poison to ourselves and to others when we allow ourselves to choose to be insecure and worry about people pleasing. Let me be me and you can be you.
Let's be ourselves. Let's stop being uncomfortable and just face the facts.
*stepping off soap box*
I'll post more pages soon!